"say what you want to say. say what you need to say..." ~ john mayer

i've been told i should write a blog. this is me writing a blog - mostly about nothing. well...at least nothing that's mind-blowing or life-changing. furthermore, there are no rules and no limitations to this blog. lawd only knows i've never been a rule follower! i suppose in some ways that this is my opportunity to just say what it is i want and need to say, and for those of you who know me best...i'm probably not going to apologize for it.

if you've ever just wanted to unload, vent, bitch, moan and whine about life and how much it sucks kaka, and not care to be judged while just putting your feelings out there...here's your chance. or perhaps you want to tell everyone what blows your hair back and what a great day it is to be alive...bring it on! (i haven't always been a pessimist)! wink-wink. nudge-nudge. so read on my fellow bloggers!

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11 August 2010

I Just Can't Stop Hitting a Hammer Against My Head

do you all remember the infamous quote, spoken by meredith grey (ellen pompeo), in grey's anatomy..."why can't we just stop hitting a hammer against our heads? because it feels so good when it stops!"

duh!! i love it! i fucking love it. BECAUSE IT FEELS SO FUCKING GOOD WHEN IT STOPS! that's what i'm talking about! it seriously blows my hair back when you quite unexpectedly have a revelation about life! it's not that i didn't already know i'm a masochist...i just didn't know how to appropriately and perfectly put it into words without people looking at me like i'm crazy. and you know what? when you can properly express your mania in terms that other people relate to than who's to say that anyone is truly crazy? well at least those of us who are normal crazy. know what i'm sayin'?

anyway. i was just sitting here tonight in an attempt to be comtemplative (while watching the boob), and i found myself saying over and over again, wtf? wtf? wtf? why?! why?! why?! idiot! idiot! idiot! and then i stopped myself with my outstanding revelation quote of life and said aloud and to myself (yes. i talk to myself...i already told you i was crazy), "gotdamnsonuvabitchwhore! it feels so fucking good when it stops!" but only if i let it. masochist. told ya.

i just can't help myself! i just can't stop myself! i tell myself that i know better and that i should quit hitting myself in the head with a hammer! and i still don't! WTF. am i that fucking crazy that the angel stooped on the left side of my shoulder is saying (while wagging their angelic finger at me), you know better young lady! while the devil on the right side of my shoulder is giving me the evil eye while smiling as devilish as the little she-satan she is and not saying anything because that she-effin-bastard already knows what i'm thinking, you know what you want!

and i DO know what i want! except that i don't! masochist. because in spite of the fact that when you know you shouldn't and will ALWAYS regret it, you STILL DO!!! gawd i love my life! i'm such an idiot. damn. it just hurts so good when you stop. i guess even at this cynical stage in my life i still try to remain optimistic and while i do fully realize my decisions in life may leave me balling on my cold-ass bathroom floor, at least i can still say that i took a risk and that the only thing to regret is that i'll always be left wondering, if ONLY...

in the meantime (of attempting to figure out life plan 7,003), i'll remain positively skeptimistic!

on a side note...i have about a zillion things to bitch about but have been distracted lately and haven't had as much time to dedicate to this blog as i would like. so this promise i can make...there is definitely more to come!

keep reading cause i know where you all live!
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