Time Changes Everything

with fall well upon us, it's difficult not to think about change. i love fall - it's my favorite! but undoubtedly, it does not come without the inevitable change. i'm not completely certain that my love for fall has anything to do with change in itself but instead the transition it brings with it, including the weather and the elements of nature. for me there is nothing like waking up to a sun-soaked room only to throw the covers back (as i'm rushing to the bathroom before i pee my pants), and feel that crisp fall air hit me in the face like a crack whore gone crazy freak on me. damn! but alas...and that smell?...mmmhmmm...what is that smell? do you think it's possible to put that amazing fall smell in a bottle? the early fall weather often reminds me of spring but the smell is just not the same. i guess that's the difference between spring when nature is coming to life again and fall when the outside world begins to hibernate and become dormant.

so i relate to the bleak...well...i am a fall baby. but more than anything i think of fall as a transition period, a time for new beginnings - a time to reflect and to think about what changes i want to make and what steps i need to take to move forward in life. sounds ass-backward i know but let's face it...i've never been a rule follower. oh! and did i mention that fall always ensures the return of football?! yeah baby! now if that's not a reason in itself to love fall. go vikings!!!

p.s. what in the hell are you doing up there minnesota? nothing surprises me about that franchise anymore and i'm positive the only thing that would is a trip to the superbowl. go vikings!!! wootwoot!

oh right...now where was i? fall. change. ahhh...yes. what's not to love about change? except evereything? one thing i've realized as i've aged is that i'm less inclined to favor change. not that i fight it or am totally oblivious to it anyway (most of the time), that i even bother to notice change until after it has happened so it really doesn't affect me. but i've also realized (as i've gotten older), that at times change is just hard...sometimes it's just a pain in the ass, sometimes it will make a person cry, and sometimes a person just simply isn't ready for change - unexpected or not.

that's the other thing about fall...it makes me overly nostalgic and sentimental. yeahyeahyeah. sentimentality IS possible even for me. but that doesn't mean you'll find me hanging out in hallmark, reading cards, and wiping my snot on my sleeve (only because i never have a tissue handy...i would've been a very bad boy scout). my point is, is that i look back at this past year and understand the changes that everyone has been faced with. it makes me incredibly sad to think about a time when life was just as easy as meeting up at "old chicago" on a tuesday night with the girls to drink beer and play trivia. it makes me sad that i'm not in denver to share the pain of life with my girls and to drink that pain away with wine. i'm disappointed to know that there is a friend who has entered motherhood for the first time with a baby girl i've never met. it makes me sorry to know that another friend has faced a painful divorce and when leaning on someone could've meant something i wasn't there. it makes me sad that the worthy advice from a friend during our weekly lunches has left me (for the most part) to my own mostly bad advice. but what makes me sad the most, is the childhood friend who has become lost in the shuffle of life and has stories to tell me and memories i've missed...stories and memories that at one time would not have been so remiss because we would talk almost every friggin' day of the week. that's what makes me sad about change.

it makes me sad to know how time and distance and our shitty lives create such an immense space where before there was none. it makes me want to fucking scream and rip my hair out to think about how just when i think life should be getting easier it takes a wrong turn somewhere between "you're an idiot" avenue and "you made a bad decision" boulevard, and i find myself regressing to my early 20s. and let's just say, my early 20s were not pretty. trauma and drama and bullshit OH MY! it breaks my heart to know both about the pain of my friends and the joy of my friends, and not have the ability to share that with them.

but i'm not here to just talk shit about change because i realize that it is almost always easier to fail to see the light at the end of the tunnel amidst the battle. however cliche it may be, the old adage is true, "hindsight is always 20/20"...and so it is. my point is, is that even though change can sometimes suck major kaka, it can still also be good. not that i don't understand that it might take a second to get to the good part but right around the corner of "fucking shitty" is the revelation that in spite of the pain, tears and bullshit, it might be worth it. although, i'm clearly a pessimist so when I'M amidst the battle...i think the world is going to end or hope that it will. nonetheless, i'm a survivor so good, bad or ugly...change is what it is. and, while change isn't always a bad thing, the one true thing about it is that it IS inevitable.

I'll Do What I Want

you know...i'm just gonna bitch about whatever-the-fuck i want to because i can. and i can barely fucking walk. actually walking is the easy part. standing up is a real whore. i'm just extremely irritated and pissed off today so i feel like a good fucking tongue-lashing is needed.

i am so fucking sick of people. i fucking hate everyone. that will never change. and if i call you and i decide to hang up on you, don't give me fucking attitude. i called you. i'll hang up on you if i fucking want! yeah, it's rude. but i don't really give a flying fuck right now.

i hate how people presume that i'll just randomly wake up one day and totally lose any recollection of who they are. i know when you're being a fucking asshole. and i know when you're being weird. so if you're being weird and i say that you're being a fucking weirdo, THAN YOU ARE.

what?! i was in a relationship with a man for almost two years, i've known him for almost three and i don't know who he is anymore? maybe not. but i still know when he's being a fucking weirdo. and so if i called to talk to him and ask him a deeply personal question and he's behaving strangely than i'm probably going to be less inclined to want to talk to him. and yes. i'm going to fucking hang up on him because it's my fucking RIGHT. i called him. i'll fucking hang up when i want. at least i said good bye so he knew i was hanging up, and therefore, for all intents and purposes it wasn't just me hanging up on him. i said good bye. what kind of warning or necessary statement would be a better indication that i'm about to hang up?! geezus. FUCKINGGOTDAMNSONUVABITCHWHORE! people drive me fucking nuts!

FUCK EVERYONE.

oh and another thing! don't ask me to go out of my way for you and tell ME what is an appropriate tone of voice to take with you, if you don't know how to follow your own gotdamn fucking advice. you hypocrite. FUCK. okay. so i realize people don't necessarily ask me to go out of my way for them but as typically selfish as i am, i'm also a very giving and generous person to those people i care about. so if i bring you dinner (and by the way, remember the conversation we had about it beforehand and how you said that would be great if i did so), i don't care if you got in a shitty fucking mood between then and a fucking hour from then, eat the gotdamn dinner that i went out of my way to bring you. fucking groceries aren't free. and on top of it all, don't fucking lecture me and then throw my gotdamn dish in the back of the refrigerator. and NO. i don't think that's asking too fucking much!

and i don't care if you're fucking sick! that's not an excuse to act like an ungrateful asshole either. i was the one that got up in the middle of the gotdamn fucking night to run to the supermarket because you somehow "lost" your drugs between leaving for work and returning home. so don't fucking snap at me because i'm just trying to be helpful. drive your own grown-ass, sickly self to the supermarket at midnight next time and then tell someone who fucking cares.

i know you're fucking sick. and i'm sorry. it fucking sucks. but at least you have someone that cares about you enough that they're there for you, wiping your forehead, feeding you drugs and ensuring that you have everything you need, and NOT caring about your germ-infested, sweaty, stinky self. so the last thing you probably want to do is fucking bite that person's head off or even say something to them that comes across as slightly shitty.

oh! and another gotdamn thing. since we're being such good friends and what-the-fuck-ever...you care so much about me - VOMIT. you could at least attempt to show up and be on fucking time for ME. the one thing that meant something to me in all this turmoil and bullshit that i've faced this year, and you can't even fucking be on time?! guess what?! you missed it. oh right. you're sick. being sick forgives everything. FUCKING BLOW ME.

you're not even positive whether you're 100% on my side and i'm doing all of this for you and FOR WHAT?! i'm my own worst enemy and my harshest critic, so i certainly don't need reinforcement about my self-worth by being treated like a fucking gotdamn doormat. i may be a mashochist but i'm not a gotdamn fucking idiot. (at least i'm not MOST of the time).

oh and p.s. world! this is why i fucking drink.

it's a good gotdamn thing that so many people piss me the fuck off or i'd have nothing to bitch about.