two steps forward and one step back. i'd like to say i think it's funny or ironic how life's a dance "you learn as you go...sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow. don't worry about what you don't know...life's a dance you learn as you go," (john michael montgomery). except that i don't find it all that amusing and i do worry about what i don't know, and i'm sick of learning as i go because it almost always involves me falling on my face. moreover, i'm a control freak so i'm not very good at following. hell. i'm not even a good dancer and when i do find myself in a position of dancing with another, i somehow always manage to attempt to lead, and i don't do it consciously. so john michael montgomery...thanks for the song, the dance and the advice...i'm going to continue to enjoy the song while ignoring your all-so-thoughtful philosophy on life.
recently, i've talked about how i feel like i'm regressing to my twenties and the scary thing is, i honestly feel like i am. maybe i'm in denial about my age; although, i'm pretty sure i still get carded 95% of the time so i'm pretty positive i don't give a flying fuck about my age except that i'm regressing to my twenties! maybe i'm just in denial about life and this stage in my life where it really seems like i should have better direction and bigger goals to accomplish while knowing that i can look back on life and feel as if i've been successful. but i don't. i'm lost or stuck somewhere between a rock and a hard place - either way it's sucking my balls. moreover, while i have goals yet to maintain, they are the same aspirations that i've (for the most part), have always had and have failed miserably at accomplishing. so basically i suck as a human being right now. who cares if i still get carded when i haven't even graduated from college? it's not like one of my life-long goals was to look young enough to still get carded at thirty-two. i mean hell! i could check that off my list a thousand times over and then feel as if i've really accomplished something great.
that's it! i just need to start lowering my standards and expectations of myself. sounds like fun! i can wake up tomorrow and be a big fat loser. moreover, i'll not care that i'm a big fat loser because i've also successfully learned how to turn my feelings button off. now that's a dream. too bad i'm not actually that diluted. what's wrong with being average anyway? there's plenty of average people out there who make it just fine in life. i guess that's where my need to be a perfectionist completely sabotages my total acceptance of being average. fuck.
being an adult sucks. i'm just not that into working forty hours a week and paying bills. why couldn't i have just been a trust fund baby? where were all the rich-ass celebrities when i was adopted? now it's trendy to adopt a kid from a foreign country. awesome. i missed out on that opportunity by a couple of decades or more, and instead of growing up in star-studded america i can proudly say i'm a farm girl from bum fuck nowhere. again. awesome. lucky me. i shouldn't sound like such a spoiled brat because i'm grateful for my upbringing and i love my family (not that i've always liked them but that's not the point). my point is, if i could work less and have access to millions of dollars than i would. i'm not going to pretend that i wouldn't totally revel in the fact that i didn't have to work, and could spend the day sleeping in, going to the gym, drinking bloody mary's at eleven, laying by the pool and shopping for all the shoes, handbags, jewelry and make-up i wanted because that's exactly what i'd fucking do. maybe i'd work...a little but i'm not going to kid myself or anyone else, i'd be happy not working like-ever-fucking-again.
life. fucking life. i'm still learning. and avoiding. learning to avoid those massive piles of dog shit waiting for me around the corner. i think i'm moving forward...taking steps in the right direction, looking for those imaginary cracks i'm always tripping over, avoiding the dog shit, bull shit, stupid fucking men shit, and learning to not just know that life isn't fair but to accept in full that it isn't. all the while dealing with the pain of life in the best way i know how - by behaving like an adult and drinking like a sailor. is that an oxymoron?
in spite of living and learning, and hating the dance, i can positively say this, i'm glad to know that although one of my life-long goals wasn't to look young enough or good enough to still get carded at thirty-two, i'm just glad that i look young enough and good enough to still have random, strange men at the bar buy me shots! now that's satisfaction. even if it is two steps backwards in the wrong direction. gawd love me my booze.
will someone please dance with me now so i can pretend to be in control? haha.
"say what you want to say. say what you need to say..." ~ john mayer
i've been told i should write a blog. this is me writing a blog - mostly about nothing. well...at least nothing that's mind-blowing or life-changing. furthermore, there are no rules and no limitations to this blog. lawd only knows i've never been a rule follower! i suppose in some ways that this is my opportunity to just say what it is i want and need to say, and for those of you who know me best...i'm probably not going to apologize for it.
if you've ever just wanted to unload, vent, bitch, moan and whine about life and how much it sucks kaka, and not care to be judged while just putting your feelings out there...here's your chance. or perhaps you want to tell everyone what blows your hair back and what a great day it is to be alive...bring it on! (i haven't always been a pessimist)! wink-wink. nudge-nudge. so read on my fellow bloggers!
if you've ever just wanted to unload, vent, bitch, moan and whine about life and how much it sucks kaka, and not care to be judged while just putting your feelings out there...here's your chance. or perhaps you want to tell everyone what blows your hair back and what a great day it is to be alive...bring it on! (i haven't always been a pessimist)! wink-wink. nudge-nudge. so read on my fellow bloggers!
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*Many of my blogs may be controversial and it should be noted that the information and opinions I post may sometimes express highly personal and idiosyncratic points of view. Moreover, my posts may contain content only suitable for adults.
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