"say what you want to say. say what you need to say..." ~ john mayer

i've been told i should write a blog. this is me writing a blog - mostly about nothing. well...at least nothing that's mind-blowing or life-changing. furthermore, there are no rules and no limitations to this blog. lawd only knows i've never been a rule follower! i suppose in some ways that this is my opportunity to just say what it is i want and need to say, and for those of you who know me best...i'm probably not going to apologize for it.

if you've ever just wanted to unload, vent, bitch, moan and whine about life and how much it sucks kaka, and not care to be judged while just putting your feelings out there...here's your chance. or perhaps you want to tell everyone what blows your hair back and what a great day it is to be alive...bring it on! (i haven't always been a pessimist)! wink-wink. nudge-nudge. so read on my fellow bloggers!

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04 November 2010

A-ha!

i often wonder if there is a placed reserved in heaven for people like me. whether or not you're a spiritual person or you believe in some kind of higher power, i do think that most people want to hold on to some kind of "greater good" after life. i do. i was raised a lutheran in a very religious and traditional household and while i don't necessarily hold on to all of the same beliefs my parents attempted to instill in me, there is very much a part of me that simply can't let go of the past.

as i get older i'm not sure what i believe anymore. i always thought the picture would become clearer but it is anything but! and for fuck sake! it drives me crazy!!! at the age of 32 - yes fucking 32! (who would've thunk)?! i really indeed thought i'd have life figured out by now. okay. so no one really has life figured out at almost any age but i sincerely thought that i'd have this clear vision in life and that i'd know where i'm going and what my destiny was. ahhh...life. it has such a way of playing mind games on a person! fuckingfuckfuckshitmotherfucker. and it pisses me off. this regressing to my twenties was clearly not in the bigger picture - DUH. but gotdamnsonuvabitchwhore...how the fuck did i get to be where i am?

here comes the big A-HA! bad decisions. bad, bad, very bad decisions. so all the choices i made weren't mind-blowingly retarded but nonetheless, my lack of better judgments has clearly landed me in this fucking bullshit state of existence. ahhh...what to do? except realize and accept the fact that i'm a complete fucking idiot who should live up and own up to her own asinine mistakes? but fuck. that sucks. it would be so much easier to blame someone else for me being a totally fucktard. and it's not that i couldn't glaringly throw out a few names (who i honestly do believe), have contributed to my downfall as a human being but let's face it, no one takes responsibility for their own actions anymore. this is me taking responsibility for being a total fucking tard and turning off my brain more than once to fulfill some other kind of self-prophecy that was clearly not in the cards. this is what happens when you stray from the master plan.

i'm not saying i know who the master is or what the master plan is...but what i am saying is, sometimes we know better and we still say, FUCK IT! and go on. and then later we sit there, scratching our heads in disbelief, when, in fact, we know better. gotdamnsonuvabitchwhore. see...and you all thought i was the only masochist on the face of the planet. hahaha!

fuckmotherfuckerfuckshit. i hate my life sometimes. seriously. so i'm going to hell. what now? i'm a failure. vodka.

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