it's funny how through all the sad and in all the pain in life when eventually you turn the corner and the big massive pile of dog shit you are expecting is not there. it's the light at the end of the tunnel. i think i hear angels singing. haha. that might actually be my mother. or not. cause lawd only knows that she certainly does not have a voice of an angel. gawd love the woman! and all the shit she puts up with from me.
i bitch and i moan and i cry a lot about a lot of different things...especially life sucking dick and being unfair. however, sometimes it's just easier to bitch, moan and cry than it is do something about anything. sometimes i'm all too eager to just let the cards fall in their places and let the pieces of the puzzle come together on their own. my friends...life is NOT a spectator sport. although, it sure is shit a lot easier hanging out by the sidelines as an observer. but where the fuck is the fun in that? go get in the fight and fight the best fight you know how because this is the first day of the rest of your life. so what the fuck are you going to do about it?
this is what i'm going to do about it. i'm going go quit being average and settling for average, and quit feeling sorry for myself and quit being a pathetic pussy. i use to have dreams and goals and somehow, some where along the way, all those ambitions got placed on the back burner. and for what?! because my parade is always being rained on? because i stepped in a pile of doggy shit? because i put someone else first? because i'm a fucktard? well fuck all that noise. (speaking of noise, my neighbors better shut the fuck up soon or i'm even calling the 5-0). sorry. it's the add.
i'm a selfish motherfucker. i'm not putting anyone else first ever again and if they don't like it, this is what i have to say, GET FUCKING BENT and SUCK MY DICK while you're at it. i've lost sight of myself - it's hard not to do through all the turmoil and the bullshit. still i just love how random life is sometimes, and how the lightbulb goes on at the most unexpected of times, and it's like, well fuckmotherfuckerfuckshit! i AM a masochist and a fucking TARD. DUH. i've already admitted to being both but now i don't want to be either. so wake the fuck up already! i'm here to tell you...I'M AWAKE! and NOT under the influence of alcohol (at the moment). well i did have a glass of wine...okay...it was like two and a half but with my tolerance that certainly wouldn't be considered "under the influence." i'm just over myself already and i'm going to do something about it.
it kind of reminds me of the time when i was in my twenties (surprise surprise), when i was dating this guy who i call fuckface and i was convinced i loved him. he was a fucking asshole and i still wish he'd die in a fire. but alas, that's not the point. the point is, is that i was all hung up on this motherfucker and then one day the lightbulb went on and i walked away and NEVER looked back. this is me now! i'm enlightened! i don't want to regress to my twenties...fuck! (i had a shit ton of fun but it wasn't that special). the light is on and i'm never looking back! because i am even tired of being pathetic. although, laying in bed all day does have its advantages.
i'm a runner. and not just physically. anyone who knows me or who has read my blog should know by now that i'm really good at the avoidance and denial game. it's too easy to live in denial and stay under the covers all day, and to silence my cell phone ringer so i don't have to deal with anyone or their questions or inquisitions. however, even avoidance and sleeping all day gets tiring and boring...i'm tired of being a snoozefest. so i'm going to leave the light on and reach deep down inside of myself and find the tenacity that use to push me forward. fuck everyone else. i hate everyone anyway (except those i don't hate), and i'm sorry if my drive and ambition and relentlessness means that some people are going to get stepped on. except that i'm not really sorry cause that's the cost of doing business. or in my case, that's the cost of having to coexist with me. if you don't like it, well then you can tell someone else who cares because i don't.
p.s. those of you who know that i don't hate you...thanks for putting up with me because i love you more than i will ever fully know how to express. and for those of you i do hate, you'll have no doubt about me hating you because i'm not very good at hiding my feelings.
midnight. who needs remorse when you got vodka and a vagina? it IS a new day.
"say what you want to say. say what you need to say..." ~ john mayer
i've been told i should write a blog. this is me writing a blog - mostly about nothing. well...at least nothing that's mind-blowing or life-changing. furthermore, there are no rules and no limitations to this blog. lawd only knows i've never been a rule follower! i suppose in some ways that this is my opportunity to just say what it is i want and need to say, and for those of you who know me best...i'm probably not going to apologize for it.
if you've ever just wanted to unload, vent, bitch, moan and whine about life and how much it sucks kaka, and not care to be judged while just putting your feelings out there...here's your chance. or perhaps you want to tell everyone what blows your hair back and what a great day it is to be alive...bring it on! (i haven't always been a pessimist)! wink-wink. nudge-nudge. so read on my fellow bloggers!
if you've ever just wanted to unload, vent, bitch, moan and whine about life and how much it sucks kaka, and not care to be judged while just putting your feelings out there...here's your chance. or perhaps you want to tell everyone what blows your hair back and what a great day it is to be alive...bring it on! (i haven't always been a pessimist)! wink-wink. nudge-nudge. so read on my fellow bloggers!
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