i always thought that just being average, or accepting average, or less than average was quite unacceptable. i am a self-proclaimed perfectionist (and, that combined with a case of ADD, OCD, and procrastination does not make for a pretty picture)! actually, what i should really say is that the picture is damn near flawless but the artist that painted it is a HOT MESS, and it only took her fifty years to paint it!
recently, i've found my drive and motivation is quite lacking...not that i don't have my usual and occasional bouts of being completely undetermined. however, historically speaking, i can normally talk myself out of being a loser and kick myself in the ass a few times and get back on the motivation train. but lately? i must admit...that other than doing the absolute minimal to get by...? well...honestly...there isn't much more than that. well, other than my addiction to xbox, free cell, and not giving a shit. and p.s. my addiction to "not giving a shit" involves a whole abundance of other things. but perhaps that whole abundance of other things should be saved for a whole other blog! because quite frankly, i wouldn't even know where to begin.
anyway. my point is, is that i'm critically looking back at my life and all that comes to mind is, WHAT THE FUCK. this is my life? seriously?! like motherfucking seriously. here's the thing...when i was in my twenties, i rationalized my half-attempts at life as being uninspired, irresponsible, and unclear of who i really was and what i really wanted. however, now that i'm progressing towards forty and not fucking thirty, means the fact that i've justified for oh so TOO FUCKING LONG the idea that "i'll have my thirties to make up for my twenties" has backfired fucking royally. especially! because i'm sitting here contemplating the fact that i'm sitting here (between playing hands of poker and typing), looking back at my life and thinking, WTF.
i don't think it's too late to change my course in life. i don't. i just have this mad addiction of saying, oh fucking well! i realize that perhaps i am a bit jaded and cynical when it comes to life...i feel like i've had my parade shit on one too many fucking times. BUT not that we all haven't - right? i get that. i get that shit happens. i get that life happens. i get that shit happens and we call it life. and, i have to say that my resignation at coming to the realization that for some people life just happens to be average...? well...that's not me being complacent, that's me just realizing that there are average people in this world that get along just fucking fine. there are less than average people in this world that have powers that they shouldn't. the world runs on the fact that there are average people in it and running it. okay. fuck.
i mean...who cares that i'm not the fucking president of the united states? who cares that my potential is only semi-wasted? i love all the people out there who are rooting for me and cheering for me and supporting me! i do! i love them! but do those people who are rooting and cheering and supporting me really fucking care if i'm not president or my potential is only semi-wasted? OR do they care that i'm happy?
yeah. so life hasn't necessarily always gone to plan but i'm still enjoying the ride, and most days, although my determination often becomes lost somewhere between doing what i have to do to get by and cocktail hour, well, at least i'm smiling while i'm doing it. okay...i admit that i'm not always smiling. FINE...i'm mostly not smiling. but honestly? i'm not a smiler. however, that doesn't mean i'm not happy and not happy inside. because most days that i'm just enjoying the ride...means that i'm not stressing out and FREAKING out, and not worrying about the five zillion other fucking things that everyone else is.
call it average. call it complacency. i'm quite positive that i really don't give a flying fucking shit.
"say what you want to say. say what you need to say..." ~ john mayer
i've been told i should write a blog. this is me writing a blog - mostly about nothing. well...at least nothing that's mind-blowing or life-changing. furthermore, there are no rules and no limitations to this blog. lawd only knows i've never been a rule follower! i suppose in some ways that this is my opportunity to just say what it is i want and need to say, and for those of you who know me best...i'm probably not going to apologize for it.
if you've ever just wanted to unload, vent, bitch, moan and whine about life and how much it sucks kaka, and not care to be judged while just putting your feelings out there...here's your chance. or perhaps you want to tell everyone what blows your hair back and what a great day it is to be alive...bring it on! (i haven't always been a pessimist)! wink-wink. nudge-nudge. so read on my fellow bloggers!
if you've ever just wanted to unload, vent, bitch, moan and whine about life and how much it sucks kaka, and not care to be judged while just putting your feelings out there...here's your chance. or perhaps you want to tell everyone what blows your hair back and what a great day it is to be alive...bring it on! (i haven't always been a pessimist)! wink-wink. nudge-nudge. so read on my fellow bloggers!
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*Many of my blogs may be controversial and it should be noted that the information and opinions I post may sometimes express highly personal and idiosyncratic points of view. Moreover, my posts may contain content only suitable for adults.
