with fall well upon us, it's difficult not to think about change. i love fall - it's my favorite! but undoubtedly, it does not come without the inevitable change. i'm not completely certain that my love for fall has anything to do with change in itself but instead the transition it brings with it, including the weather and the elements of nature. for me there is nothing like waking up to a sun-soaked room only to throw the covers back (as i'm rushing to the bathroom before i pee my pants), and feel that crisp fall air hit me in the face like a crack whore gone crazy freak on me. damn! but alas...and that smell?...mmmhmmm...what is that smell? do you think it's possible to put that amazing fall smell in a bottle? the early fall weather often reminds me of spring but the smell is just not the same. i guess that's the difference between spring when nature is coming to life again and fall when the outside world begins to hibernate and become dormant.
so i relate to the bleak...well...i am a fall baby. but more than anything i think of fall as a transition period, a time for new beginnings - a time to reflect and to think about what changes i want to make and what steps i need to take to move forward in life. sounds ass-backward i know but let's face it...i've never been a rule follower. oh! and did i mention that fall always ensures the return of football?! yeah baby! now if that's not a reason in itself to love fall. go vikings!!!
p.s. what in the hell are you doing up there minnesota? nothing surprises me about that franchise anymore and i'm positive the only thing that would is a trip to the superbowl. go vikings!!! wootwoot!
oh right...now where was i? fall. change. ahhh...yes. what's not to love about change? except evereything? one thing i've realized as i've aged is that i'm less inclined to favor change. not that i fight it or am totally oblivious to it anyway (most of the time), that i even bother to notice change until after it has happened so it really doesn't affect me. but i've also realized (as i've gotten older), that at times change is just hard...sometimes it's just a pain in the ass, sometimes it will make a person cry, and sometimes a person just simply isn't ready for change - unexpected or not.
that's the other thing about fall...it makes me overly nostalgic and sentimental. yeahyeahyeah. sentimentality IS possible even for me. but that doesn't mean you'll find me hanging out in hallmark, reading cards, and wiping my snot on my sleeve (only because i never have a tissue handy...i would've been a very bad boy scout). my point is, is that i look back at this past year and understand the changes that everyone has been faced with. it makes me incredibly sad to think about a time when life was just as easy as meeting up at "old chicago" on a tuesday night with the girls to drink beer and play trivia. it makes me sad that i'm not in denver to share the pain of life with my girls and to drink that pain away with wine. i'm disappointed to know that there is a friend who has entered motherhood for the first time with a baby girl i've never met. it makes me sorry to know that another friend has faced a painful divorce and when leaning on someone could've meant something i wasn't there. it makes me sad that the worthy advice from a friend during our weekly lunches has left me (for the most part) to my own mostly bad advice. but what makes me sad the most, is the childhood friend who has become lost in the shuffle of life and has stories to tell me and memories i've missed...stories and memories that at one time would not have been so remiss because we would talk almost every friggin' day of the week. that's what makes me sad about change.
it makes me sad to know how time and distance and our shitty lives create such an immense space where before there was none. it makes me want to fucking scream and rip my hair out to think about how just when i think life should be getting easier it takes a wrong turn somewhere between "you're an idiot" avenue and "you made a bad decision" boulevard, and i find myself regressing to my early 20s. and let's just say, my early 20s were not pretty. trauma and drama and bullshit OH MY! it breaks my heart to know both about the pain of my friends and the joy of my friends, and not have the ability to share that with them.
but i'm not here to just talk shit about change because i realize that it is almost always easier to fail to see the light at the end of the tunnel amidst the battle. however cliche it may be, the old adage is true, "hindsight is always 20/20"...and so it is. my point is, is that even though change can sometimes suck major kaka, it can still also be good. not that i don't understand that it might take a second to get to the good part but right around the corner of "fucking shitty" is the revelation that in spite of the pain, tears and bullshit, it might be worth it. although, i'm clearly a pessimist so when I'M amidst the battle...i think the world is going to end or hope that it will. nonetheless, i'm a survivor so good, bad or ugly...change is what it is. and, while change isn't always a bad thing, the one true thing about it is that it IS inevitable.
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