"say what you want to say. say what you need to say..." ~ john mayer

i've been told i should write a blog. this is me writing a blog - mostly about nothing. well...at least nothing that's mind-blowing or life-changing. furthermore, there are no rules and no limitations to this blog. lawd only knows i've never been a rule follower! i suppose in some ways that this is my opportunity to just say what it is i want and need to say, and for those of you who know me best...i'm probably not going to apologize for it.

if you've ever just wanted to unload, vent, bitch, moan and whine about life and how much it sucks kaka, and not care to be judged while just putting your feelings out there...here's your chance. or perhaps you want to tell everyone what blows your hair back and what a great day it is to be alive...bring it on! (i haven't always been a pessimist)! wink-wink. nudge-nudge. so read on my fellow bloggers!

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25 August 2010

Insomnia Is Real

it's almost two in the morning. i'm tired and i have an appointment in the morning...i should go to sleep. but i can't. i mean i could...i just don't want to at the moment. clearly. mostly i just want to bitch cause that's what i do. besides after the events that have transpired over the last few days...it's likely all i will do if i attempt to sleep is toss and turn and then have dreams that lead to me kicking and screaming violently. not that i'll really know any differently because i'm not awake except when i do wake up i'll be sweating profusely because apparently kicking and screaming in your sleep is similar to running a marathon in ninety degree weather and five thousand percent humidity, (yes. that is an exaggeration. i know. i don't care).

my point is...i'm better off venting before i attempt to conquer lions and tigers and bears in my dreams, and then maybe i'll just have to fend off the human kinds of lions and tigers and bears and the battle will be so much easier. kicking a human being in the crotch in your dreams is so much easier than slaying alligators!

so in my insomniac state this is what i have to say...i have been trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel (a vision more so than a light), that i once held so strongly onto and in my madness have quite often forgotten. it is a light that makes me realize and has always made me realize that i am in control of my own destiny, and that the path i choose is only by my own decisions and the wrongs that i make are only mine to own up to, (at this point...is it even necessary to once again point out that i'm a masochist?). i've often both consciously and sub-consciously allowed the bad to outweigh the good and i've frequently decided to wallow in my own self-pity while bringing those around me perhaps not just down but a victim of my wrath because i hate that feeling of losing control.

however, in rethinking this sad state of mind i have somehow found myself in (once again!), that i can now say, i do believe that i have gotten over myself, and i realize that my loss of self-control was through my own bad choices, and that everything that has transpired both good and bad is only a result of my own attitude - a behavior that is sometimes good, bad and ugly...mostly really effin' ugly (if you wanna know the truth).

but that doesn't mean i'm still not pissed off or that i don't hate mostly everyone because i still do. it also doesn't mean that i'm entirely at fault for everything bad that happens in my life...it simply means that i haven't always reacted in a productive and beneficial manner to the shitty nuances that life likes to poop on my head. at this point in my life i'd like to think that i'm mature enough to take responsibility for my own actions and that i'm accountable for myself, and i believe that's what i'm doing my damndest to accomplish. (is damndest a word? i don't have patience for looking that shit up right now and at two-thirty in the morning my grammar and spelling inevitably sucks). HOWEVER, let's face it...i don't always respond, react or behave appropriately or accordingly, and it can be quite detrimental but for fuck sake...i feel as if i'm human and punishing people for wronging me is not some grossly abnormal human reaction.

maybe i'm wrong. and so what if i am? cause i mostly hate everyone so i'm sure i don't give a flying eff-u-c-fucking-k if someone doesn't agree with me. what i do care about is pushing the good people in my life away because i'm a selfish and unforgiving human being, and keeping the bad people around because i'm a masochist. classic "tina" move. i want to hang on to those individuals who i will never really be able to count on while alienating those who have always been there for me. now who's an asshole?

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