"say what you want to say. say what you need to say..." ~ john mayer

i've been told i should write a blog. this is me writing a blog - mostly about nothing. well...at least nothing that's mind-blowing or life-changing. furthermore, there are no rules and no limitations to this blog. lawd only knows i've never been a rule follower! i suppose in some ways that this is my opportunity to just say what it is i want and need to say, and for those of you who know me best...i'm probably not going to apologize for it.

if you've ever just wanted to unload, vent, bitch, moan and whine about life and how much it sucks kaka, and not care to be judged while just putting your feelings out there...here's your chance. or perhaps you want to tell everyone what blows your hair back and what a great day it is to be alive...bring it on! (i haven't always been a pessimist)! wink-wink. nudge-nudge. so read on my fellow bloggers!

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09 September 2010

The Demise of Myself

it's been a minute since i've had the opportunity to sit down and write something thoughtful to bitch about. not that there have not been plenty of incidents that have sparked a fury in me that would result in a rant that would leave even the most creative and crass of sailors blushing at sea. because while i am here just to bitch i'm also trying to tone it down a notch. yeahfuckingright. who am i kidding?

i do believe that my attempt at ceasing excessive drinking, smoking, and anything else bad for me has made me quite the raving lunatic. WITHDRAWLS! and i'm not even kidding. even my ex-boyfriend who completely despises most of my bad habits, (particularly those which involve inhaling), has decided that me going cold turkey is likely to lead to the downfall of the human race...or at least those who stand in my way, piss me off, unconsciously irritate me, and try my patience to no end. i am not a patient person and as much as i've tried to be...patience is not in me, (much like dipolomacy is not in me). yes. i do realize patience is a virtue. but who the hell said i was virtuous anyway? also, i'm convinced my lack of patience is just one more justifiable reason for not having kids.

my point is...i am convinced that no one could possibly have more contempt for my nicotine fixes than my ex. but recently he was so completely mortified by the effects of the nicotine withdrawls and my bad behavior as a result of it that HE even made an attempt to persuade me to "just go smoke." (also, i had not consumed alcohol in a day and a half...which amounts to an increased risk of me going postal and many people dying). i told him if i could just get a beer or two in me that i'd be fine. i calmed down after my first pint and he thanked a higher power that he does not believe in. and then he also bought me a pack of cigarettes later. see. someone does love me. and they love me better when i'm not pissed off because i haven't had a drink or a smoke in a day and a half. it's called an addiction for a reason!

so i fully understand and realize that drinking and smoking (and loving men), have very negative side effects. but i'm training for a half marathon. yes...while drinking and smoking...although, i do refrain from actively participating in such debaucherous activities while i'm actually running. in the meantime, if i get home from a ten mile run and want to swallow a six-pack of beer, eat a pizza and fire a cancer stick up, well...then i will and i will NOT apologize for it.

p.s. if every other human being wants to brag about being fit and in shape and blahblahblah (tell someone who fucking cares), and admonish me for my bad habits, go right ahead because i'm pretty sure when i was out running on the trail this evening in the rain (with my two running partners), that all the other "rock star" runners and athletes who are overly critical of my self-indulgences were no where to be seen. so i'll keep on running and smoking and drinking and i'll kick your ass while doing so!

oh and one more thing...i'm an a-fucking-dult and i don't need a lecture about my bad habits...i do what i want. the half marathon is in less than a month and i'm so far from being scared that it's almost frightening that i'm not more so. mostly because i know that the day in which i regret having not had more self-restraint in life is inevitable. although, i'm not one to really regret anything. hey. if i'm happy in the moment (and drinking and smoking are conducive to my happiness), well...you can bet the people around me are happy too because this much i know is true - me going through withdrawls makes for a very ugly situation. and i secretly find delight in tormenting others. so let me just express once again (although, i do not profess to be that special or powerful), that if i'm happy, those who must put up with me are very likely to be happy too.

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