Closure

ummm...so yeah. that is the question. why does anyone pretend that they need "closure" when what they really need or want is attention? or someone to make them feel justified in their life-changing decisions? or let's just lay the truth out there...to get in your pants one more time? if what anyone really needs or wants is "closure" why don't they just grow a pair, quit beating around the fucking bush, and make the point that they really want to make.

closure? my ass. i'll give you closure. does telling you to fuck off give you enough closure?

okay. so as not to confuse the rest of the world population or the two other people that read my blog, i should premise all of this by saying that i had what i like to call an "emotional" affair with a man - not just once but twice. with the same man. he had a girlfriend. i had a boyfriend. and we carried on inappropriate communications with each other. (hence my love-hate feelings for technology). my point is...i finally cut the whole thing off after my boyfriend discovered our "affair" AND he kicked me out. oh! and this other guy? he still has a girlfriend - the same girlfriend. i'm still single.

his girlfriend (now fiancee) never found out. i guess he was and is much more stealth than i'll ever hope to be. i'm also guessing he's still a dipshit. my point is, is that i cut off ties with this man after my life exploded in my face. i figured enough people had been injured by my transgressions and there was no reason for anyone else to have to also suffer. so i did what was right (for the first time in my life), and called his girlfriend and told her everything. JUST KIDDING! seriously. i'm kidding. not my place. not my business. not my guilt.

anyway. so after choosing to walk away from the whole destructive situation (in an attempt to quit being an asshole like the majority of the world's population), i decided that i can only learn from my past and look forward, which includes shutting that particular door of really bad decisions FOREVER. well several months have now passed since i was told to get the fuck out of my ex's house, (hey. i can't fault a guy for saying the exact same thing i would have...i'm a realist), and when i say several months i mean almost a year.

wouldn't you know that some people's bad habits will always find a way to fruition if given the right amount of attention? yup. now the dumb chap (as in the guy i was having an emotional affair with), wants closure. and my question is, what-ever-the-fuck-for? (i could call the dumb chap an endless abundance of bad words but clearly i didn't think he was that horrible when i was "cheating" on my boyfriend with him so it wouldn't be fair of me to attack him now). but i just want to say, DUDE! haven't you learned your lesson? (clearly NOT because his sins have never been discovered by his significant other). he doesn't want closure. the idiot. he wants to know he isn't settling. well. that's not on me. i can't give him the words of reassurance he's looking for. i can't look back and feel good about what transpired because it inevitably led to me hurting a person that i loved very deeply. i can't change what has happened. and i certainly can't give the jackass the closure he has convinced himself he needs.

by the way, what closure? we were NEVER IN A RELATIONSHIP! get on with your life. i've had to move on with my own life and while it has been a very tough pill to swallow at times...that's just all there is to it.

hindsight IS always 20/20 but there's no reason to look back when there is SO much more to look forward to. i believe if an individual has lived their life in such a manner, then there is no reason to live your life in the "what if's" and "only if's" because every day is a new day to say, this is the first day of the rest of my life.

so i say, what the fuck are you going to do about it?

The Demise of Myself

it's been a minute since i've had the opportunity to sit down and write something thoughtful to bitch about. not that there have not been plenty of incidents that have sparked a fury in me that would result in a rant that would leave even the most creative and crass of sailors blushing at sea. because while i am here just to bitch i'm also trying to tone it down a notch. yeahfuckingright. who am i kidding?

i do believe that my attempt at ceasing excessive drinking, smoking, and anything else bad for me has made me quite the raving lunatic. WITHDRAWLS! and i'm not even kidding. even my ex-boyfriend who completely despises most of my bad habits, (particularly those which involve inhaling), has decided that me going cold turkey is likely to lead to the downfall of the human race...or at least those who stand in my way, piss me off, unconsciously irritate me, and try my patience to no end. i am not a patient person and as much as i've tried to be...patience is not in me, (much like dipolomacy is not in me). yes. i do realize patience is a virtue. but who the hell said i was virtuous anyway? also, i'm convinced my lack of patience is just one more justifiable reason for not having kids.

my point is...i am convinced that no one could possibly have more contempt for my nicotine fixes than my ex. but recently he was so completely mortified by the effects of the nicotine withdrawls and my bad behavior as a result of it that HE even made an attempt to persuade me to "just go smoke." (also, i had not consumed alcohol in a day and a half...which amounts to an increased risk of me going postal and many people dying). i told him if i could just get a beer or two in me that i'd be fine. i calmed down after my first pint and he thanked a higher power that he does not believe in. and then he also bought me a pack of cigarettes later. see. someone does love me. and they love me better when i'm not pissed off because i haven't had a drink or a smoke in a day and a half. it's called an addiction for a reason!

so i fully understand and realize that drinking and smoking (and loving men), have very negative side effects. but i'm training for a half marathon. yes...while drinking and smoking...although, i do refrain from actively participating in such debaucherous activities while i'm actually running. in the meantime, if i get home from a ten mile run and want to swallow a six-pack of beer, eat a pizza and fire a cancer stick up, well...then i will and i will NOT apologize for it.

p.s. if every other human being wants to brag about being fit and in shape and blahblahblah (tell someone who fucking cares), and admonish me for my bad habits, go right ahead because i'm pretty sure when i was out running on the trail this evening in the rain (with my two running partners), that all the other "rock star" runners and athletes who are overly critical of my self-indulgences were no where to be seen. so i'll keep on running and smoking and drinking and i'll kick your ass while doing so!

oh and one more thing...i'm an a-fucking-dult and i don't need a lecture about my bad habits...i do what i want. the half marathon is in less than a month and i'm so far from being scared that it's almost frightening that i'm not more so. mostly because i know that the day in which i regret having not had more self-restraint in life is inevitable. although, i'm not one to really regret anything. hey. if i'm happy in the moment (and drinking and smoking are conducive to my happiness), well...you can bet the people around me are happy too because this much i know is true - me going through withdrawls makes for a very ugly situation. and i secretly find delight in tormenting others. so let me just express once again (although, i do not profess to be that special or powerful), that if i'm happy, those who must put up with me are very likely to be happy too.