My Life as it Turns Out...

fanfuckingtastic. yes. as it turns out...my life can be summed up in a nutshell! the fact of the matter is that i've pretty much been adhd all my life but as i've aged it has become an increasingly apparent issue. this blog by the way...? is a fucking perfect example. i started this a blog exactly one year, one week, and one day ago. that's fucking creepy...because until i just did the math in my head right now (when i looked back at the date of my first bitch post, ((appropriately titled "my first bitch post")), the timing of it all did not occur to me...one year, one week, and one day ago. or maybe i'm fucking stupid and am not your stereotypical asian who's a math genius and will certainly feel like an idiot when i read this later. sober too. just sayin'.

so my point is...i've been fucking adhd ALL MY FUCKING LIFE?! HOLY SHIT!!! that explains everything. and for FUCKSAKE alive! why had this never occured to anyone who is close to me before i turned the age of thirty-two? i mean seriously...i kinda made a joke about it one day and then everyone else starting saying it about me jokingly, and it really made me wonder. hmmm...and guess what? ADHD ALL MY FUCKING LIFE!!! no wonder i'm a piece of shit! i can't fucking finish ANYTHING i start!!! not this blog - in hopes that some fucking day, someone would just come along and offer to turn my blog into a book, and that would lead to at least five other book deals, and then i could just sit on my ass all day (as i've become a frequent author on "the new york review of books"), and not have to give a shit about not finishing anything (while staring at the hot college frat boy cleaning my pool)! i certainly have not finished my college degree - in which i have 99.00 credit hours. yes. and not only 99.00 credit hours have i managed to successfully finish at a snail's pace but i've also been awarded to pay fifty-six thousand dollars in student loans back to the lenders. FUCK ME HARD. mothafucka.

yeah. my "so-called" adhd has also strayed me from accomplishing yet another goal. and don't even get me started on all the home projects i have going on at the moment because my adhd got me distracted in the middle of my first project which resulted in starting a second project, and let me just tell you...i'm now stuck in the middle of project number nine. yes. holyshitballs. no wonder my life is a disaster. hot mess! i'm tellin' ya'. and let's not forget all the other half-attempts i've made in my life that has fucking landed me somewhere between the towns of "shitville" and "fuck me hard"...and as fate would only have it...i'm stranded on a country road with a car that has an empty gas tank...and both my legs are probably broken too...(you know...as fate would only have it. or at least my fate in life).

and that leads me to my original point! i could've accomplished so much more by this point in my life! that has always been my goal! i've always been determined. i just can't finish what i start! and to think...if this all had just been discovered a long fucking time ago. and who do i have to thank for fucking me up?! i don't know. i'm not here to play the blame game...i'm just here to bitch.

Average

i always thought that just being average, or accepting average, or less than average was quite unacceptable. i am a self-proclaimed perfectionist (and, that combined with a case of ADD, OCD, and procrastination does not make for a pretty picture)! actually, what i should really say is that the picture is damn near flawless but the artist that painted it is a HOT MESS, and it only took her fifty years to paint it!

recently, i've found my drive and motivation is quite lacking...not that i don't have my usual and occasional bouts of being completely undetermined. however, historically speaking, i can normally talk myself out of being a loser and kick myself in the ass a few times and get back on the motivation train. but lately? i must admit...that other than doing the absolute minimal to get by...? well...honestly...there isn't much more than that. well, other than my addiction to xbox, free cell, and not giving a shit. and p.s. my addiction to "not giving a shit" involves a whole abundance of other things. but perhaps that whole abundance of other things should be saved for a whole other blog! because quite frankly, i wouldn't even know where to begin.

anyway. my point is, is that i'm critically looking back at my life and all that comes to mind is, WHAT THE FUCK. this is my life? seriously?! like motherfucking seriously. here's the thing...when i was in my twenties, i rationalized my half-attempts at life as being uninspired, irresponsible, and unclear of who i really was and what i really wanted. however, now that i'm progressing towards forty and not fucking thirty, means the fact that i've justified for oh so TOO FUCKING LONG the idea that "i'll have my thirties to make up for my twenties" has backfired fucking royally. especially! because i'm sitting here contemplating the fact that i'm sitting here (between playing hands of poker and typing), looking back at my life and thinking, WTF.

i don't think it's too late to change my course in life. i don't. i just have this mad addiction of saying, oh fucking well! i realize that perhaps i am a bit jaded and cynical when it comes to life...i feel like i've had my parade shit on one too many fucking times. BUT not that we all haven't - right? i get that. i get that shit happens. i get that life happens. i get that shit happens and we call it life. and, i have to say that my resignation at coming to the realization that for some people life just happens to be average...? well...that's not me being complacent, that's me just realizing that there are average people in this world that get along just fucking fine. there are less than average people in this world that have powers that they shouldn't. the world runs on the fact that there are average people in it and running it. okay. fuck.

i mean...who cares that i'm not the fucking president of the united states? who cares that my potential is only semi-wasted? i love all the people out there who are rooting for me and cheering for me and supporting me! i do! i love them! but do those people who are rooting and cheering and supporting me really fucking care if i'm not president or my potential is only semi-wasted? OR do they care that i'm happy?

yeah. so life hasn't necessarily always gone to plan but i'm still enjoying the ride, and most days, although my determination often becomes lost somewhere between doing what i have to do to get by and cocktail hour, well, at least i'm smiling while i'm doing it. okay...i admit that i'm not always smiling. FINE...i'm mostly not smiling. but honestly? i'm not a smiler. however, that doesn't mean i'm not happy and not happy inside. because most days that i'm just enjoying the ride...means that i'm not stressing out and FREAKING out, and not worrying about the five zillion other fucking things that everyone else is.

call it average. call it complacency. i'm quite positive that i really don't give a flying fucking shit.