The Simple Things

i feel like a child on christmas eve that is fighting sleep in eager anticipation of what the morning holds. but damn! my eyes have yet to begin to droop, and i'm neither a child nor am i eagerly awaiting anything that morning will bring all too soon. insomnia sucks my ballsack. i know the minute i finally reach my deep sleep mode that my alarm clock will be going off and i'll be hating life. kinda like this morning when my alarm went off at 10:00 and the only thing i could decipher in my hangover haze was that my hair hurt. well that and getting old sucks because i just can't bounce back like i did when i was in my twenties. motherfucker.

i wish life were as simple as when i was a child. mostly because i hate the responsibilities of being an adult (as you all know), and i especially despise the MAJOR responsibilities, for example, having to work and pay my bills. being an adult hasn't cracked up to be what i anticipated. reality has sunk in...it sinks in a little further every day (good thing since i'm 32)! my life is not what i ever thought it'd be at this age, and i have no one to blame but myself. which sucks because i'd love to come up with some stellar excuse for being a capital "L" fucking loser. not that i really think i'm a loser...i'm just about five hundred thousand miles short of my goal(s).

AND apparently, i'm not the only one who can't sleep. my "man of the moment" just called me up and asked me if i was pregos. WTF. yeah. was he not there last night as i was binge drinking vodka and then falling all over myself? yeah. i'm pregnant. and i was really hoping for an alcohol syndrome baby. UMMM...DUH! (he informed me the thought has been weighing on his mind for the last couple of nights). MAYBE he's really trying to tell me that i'm getting fat except that i'm not! i mean for fuck sake! i just fit into my "goal" jeans two weeks ago. if, being pregnant makes you less chubby, then maybe i am pregos. EXCEPT THAT I'M NOT! and IF, being pregnant makes you have vodka and beer cravings, then maybe i'm pregos or MAYBE i'm a lush. the reality of the matter is - is that I'M NOT PREGNANT.

and p.s. what a horrible thing to put on a person. that's like wishing a person who so does NOT want to be pregnant, pregnant! and then bam! that one small curse by some random person, inevitably leads to the "NOT WANT TO BE PREGNANT" person pushing a watermelon out of their vaj nine months later.

and another thing, you have to have SEX to get pregnant. DUH. and no, i'm not proclaiming that i'm a virgin, i'm just saying that babies don't happen without penis in vagina. sex education 101. you learned it here folks!

ahhh...remember when life were as simple as being a kid? and not about hoping that you're NOT going to give birth to one? when the opposite sex didn't matter? and the only thought that entered your mind was that boys were fucking dumb? and you didn't become involved in asinine drunk fights with your significant other because you were eight, and you weren't a wino yet, and you didn't give a shit about having a significant other? REMEMBER WHEN?

i find it strangely hilarious that "the man" was so concerned that i was pregnant that he rang me at 2:30 in the morning. but last night when i was passed out on his bathroom floor because of all the vodka i consumed, he was sleeping soundly until i finally peeled myself off the floor at 5:00 in the morning.

yeah. this is me longing for the simple things in life.

Yeah! Yeah! Fuckin' Yeah.

so 2011 has come and it has gone...well not completely but since i haven't posted a blog lately...i think of 2011 as more of gone than come. and so much for those new year's resolutions. fuck resolutions anyway. for myself, they only last for about five minutes before i say neverfuckingmind.

i have vices! i need something - anything to get me through a new year, and what i normally resign myself to giving up because it's good for me or not good for me, well...let's face it. being bad is so much more fun.

i should write more often and it's not that i don't have a lot to write about, it's just that somehow, lately, i haven't been able to find the words to put on paper. i am not poetic nor do i pretend to be but if all i have to say is fuckmotherfuckerfuckshitgoatsass, then where is the joy or profoundness in that? it is amiss.

not that i don't have plenty to bitch or scream about because i think i do. fuck. i'm female. what don't i have to bitch about? not that i don't love being female. but fuckmotherfuckerfuckshitgoatsass. sometimes life is just not a bowl of fucking cherries. irregardless of the rose-colored glasses we put on to weave our way through life. fuck cherries. and fuck rose-colored glasses. bowls on the other hand? well...it depends what's in the bowls and i hate motherfucking cherries. so i say, give me something memorable...something so memorable that i forget.

welcome to 2011. in fact, my welcoming of 2011 with open arms was a very fucking good one. i laughed, i ate, i drank, i smoked, and gotdamnit! if i didn't welcome with "open arms" a new year because it was probably one of the best new year's that i've had in a very long time.

let's face it, last year was mostly shitty. fucking very shitty. but at least i got through it and welcomed with great anticipation a new year - a new start. but just as i turned the calendar page, fate would only have me wishing for next year ALREADY, and only because the unraveling of 2011 started with a bang and has since slowly begun to go up in smoke. and fuckmotherfuckerfuckshit. it's only fucking january!

so i say...bring on a new month. i'm NOT that cynical. it HAS to get better than this. i know it will. it will! it will! it will! (i'm pretty sure that isn't denial).

and can i just say that i know i'm completely neurotic and incapable of being in a healthy relationship? i am totally selfish. i AM! but can i also say that when the right person comes along that i do my best to consider the other person and factor them into my life? BECAUSE I FUCKING DO.

i guess sometimes i wonder if i'm asking too much of another person. as if asking another person to do what they say they are going to do is too much. or if thinking that a person promising you this or that or the whatever is not some pipe dream. i don't care much for words. i want actions. you don't have to promise me you'll save the the world and this and that and a bunch of fucking bullshit that i don't care about. but when you do say you are going to do something, well...then just fucking do it and don't be all sissified and pussified about it. show me that you care by demonstrating that actions do speak louder than words. because you can make me all the promises in the world but when everything is said and done, if you can't deliver...? well then, you're just a fucking salesman in a suit.

and p.s. the tie and socks i picked out and bought you?? well...they cost way more than your suit. so don't talk to me about having great taste or compromising because this competition you think you're in is NO FUCKING CONTEST. i win. i always fucking win.